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This is my collection of funny little statements found in ebay ads. The spelling and grammar has not been changed. -- Enjoy!

this radio won't be out of place in any home. (let me rephrase that - in any NICE home, in the dump I live in it

would stick out like a sore thumb, till the twins trashed it like everything else I have)

Has not been restored - just stored in my outhouse for over thiry years.

See photo. Now you know as much as I do. This looks like the answer to women's prayers the world over--a sensitivity switch. Just connect your man to this and dial in the amount of sensitivity you require! Actually, this is part of some WWII-era radio, I think.

If you're a flake. Don't bid. Simple as that. If your feedback looks bad, write to me first please.

Here is are a whole bunch of old battery radio parts, lots of stuff here. Hey maybe you could build an electric chair out of this stuff. Bid now or the leprechaun gets it.

I've already contacted my home planet so I don't need this anymore. May also be used as a door stop or for electro-shock treatment. Manufactured by Radio MFG. Engineers Inc Peoria Illinois. Missing the line tone knob.

Also, the big tuning disc does not move when the main tuning knob is tuned. Tubes inside light up and things go hummmm when it is plugged in so that's a good sign. If you have any other technical questions feel free to email me.

RADIO WORKS BUT I CAN NOT GET ANY SOUND, THE TUBES ALL LIGHT UP AND THE RADIO HUMS. UNIT SEEMS TO WORK PLUGGED IT IN BUT DIDNT HAVE A ANTENNA IT TRIED TO FIND A CHANNEL SO I BELIEVE IT WORKS

MAD DAD SELL SON JEEP

Vehicle Description

WOW 99 JEEP WHITE LOADED TINTED WINDOWS POWER EVERYTHING I BOUGHT THIS JEEP FOR MY SON NEVER PUT PLATE ON IT AND HE GOT A DUI SO KNOW HE DON'T DRIVE FOR A YEAR .HE DIDN'T GET THE DUI IN THIS BUT MY TRUCK. EVERYTHING ON THE JEEP IS WHITE THE BUMPER AND PAINT IS THE LOOK THEY LIKE FACTORY JEEP WHEEL WITH NICE TIRES. GREAT ON GAS AND GREAT IN THE SNOW .THESE JEEP ARE KNOW TO RUN FOR AT 250000 MILES SO THERE ALOT OF DRIVING LEFT ON THIS ONE. THE JEEP IS PERFECT. NEED NOTHING BUT A NON DRINKING KID TO DRIVE THIS .I PAID ALOT FOR THIS JEEP BUT WILLING TO TAKE ALOT LESS SO LET MAKE ADEAL BID ON THIS JEEP YOU WON'T BE SORRY .I LIVE IN COLOARDO THE IS NO RUST SPOTS. PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION 303-xxx-xxxx THANKS GEORGE

Winner has 10 days to make contact and make arrangments for payment, however due to opening of deer season in Texas this rule will be relaxed as I'll be in & out quite a bit the next 2 months.

I have nothing up for bid. I would like to thank those of you that have bought items off of me. I will have no further sales on ebay. Happy Holidays! P.S. Don't try to email me i'm disconnecting my internet provider, got a big beef with them.

3. No whining, crying, moaning, groaning, kicking, smacking, spitting, shooting the middle finger, flogging, pouting, or any other actions deemed pathetic by us allowed

Up for auction is this wonderful old Wards Airline Tube Radio from the early 1900's. Believe it or not...this old radio still works. The radio turns on with a healthy "click" and although I can't pick-up anything but static...the speakers put out a beautiful hum.

Praise : He's better than family. At least my family!

NO RESERVE!!! We want to move this summer, and I have to sell down our inventory. Besides, my 7 kids are complaining they get macaroni and cheese too many nights a week (seven). That is Josef, one of the twins modeling in the picture so you can get an idea of the relative size (he is a BIG 3 year old). His feet are not usually that dirty, I just want to see if his grandmother is still looking at my auctions)

My wife is threatening to have me neutered or do it herself!!

Is this a radio of such quality that everyone else has thrown theirs in the dustbin and this is the only one left in the entire world? Valuable? maybe, who can ever tell?

I bought this radio before my wife decided she wanted some paths through the house.

This is an auction for 10 1N60P Germanium diodes. Thes are great for detectors for crystal radios. You are bidding on 20 diodes.

This is a Frequency Radio. This radio is able to pick up all kinds of radio waves.

These are Farm Fresh so they do need some Cleaning.

Good ole Uncle Willis...now for many years I kinda anticipated that my Uncle Willis was gonna leave me a bundle of money when he decided to move on and meet his Maker. So when I got the news....course I was sad, BUT, I eagerly awaited my million dollar inheritance...had most of it spent in fact! Come to find out Ole Uncle Willis musta blowed his money on good booze and cheap women, cuz I didn't get none. What he did do, is leave me about a million pieces of junk...some of it valuable...some of it not. But Ole Willis always said..."everthing is worth something to someone", and he wouldn't lie, would he? So I figured...a million pieces of junk, at a buck apiece...well there's my million bucks...so I better get busy...this may take awhile! Thank you Uncle Willis..you miserable ole %#$*&%!

We accept any and all excuses- even the ALIEN abduction story - an abduction of you not the family dog, but let us know within a reasonable time frame when you expect to return to planet Earth !

Okay, the damn thing quit working and MJ bashed the crap out of it. Sold as is.

I am the original owner, buying it at Clarkins Dept. Store in Bedford, Ohio in either 1977 or 78 for an outing with my hischool sweetie, who became my wife, and now divorcing after 22 years, so I am letting it go.

Yes, the front panel on this radio looks like hell. Things were rough under the dash of the Studebaker back in the early fifties, and there really isn't anything I can do about it.

Airmail (1 to 2 weeks' delivery time) Sea-mail (CHEAPER) (5 to 8 weeks' delivery time) Space Shuttle (60 minutes ..... this option available c.2020 !)

Radio is nothing to get excited about, so you will be able to buy it cheap! To keep the shipping cost down i will pack this item poorly.

The good news ---it works. Lit up and static sound.

(For Sale: "Iraq") Regime free, completely demolished and ready for reconstruction. This country is for auction to a private owner because I just cannot afford paying higher taxes to support the 80-90 billion dollars in reconstruction costs. I will accept money orders only. Please no personal checks. Shipping internationally or domestically is out of the question. Feel free to email me with any questions. BONUS - Iraqi residents come free with purchase of country. Serious bidders only.

This ultra modern aluminum foil hat will protect your pet from the brain scanning rays of the NSA, certain 'auction' websites, fbi.com, and CIA satellites that are monitoring their little subversive thoughts. You may not have considered this before, but your lead lined hat is worthless if your pet can give away your secrets to the very people most dangerous to you - your government!
But we both know that the government's 'pet mind reading threat' pales in comparison to the unknown dangers of aliens reading your pet's brainwaves. The PFHT Special Edition [PFHTSE, pronounced Pfootsie], has a hydrocarbon-chain lining specially designed to filter the hydrogen band alien brain scans. This space age material may appear to the untrained eye to be just plain plastic shopping bag, but your pet will know the difference. All government and alien I/O is cut off. It's like a firewall for your pet's brain.





The Cabinet is nice and attractive but looking close the anal will see some scratch marks...a few show up in the pictures below.

(this is a long one but funny!)

For Sale: One Slightly Used Size 12 Wedding Gown. Only worn twice: Once at the wedding and once for these pictures.

Make: Victoria

Style: 611

Size: 12

Divorce forces sale

I found my ex-wife's wedding dress in the attic when I moved. She took the $4000 engagement ring but left the dress. I was actually going to have a dress burning party when the divorce became final, but my sister talked me out of it. She said, "That's such a gorgeous dress. Some lucky girl would be glad to have it. You should sell it on EBay. At least get something back for it."

So, this is what I'm doing. I'm selling it hoping to get enough money for maybe a couple of Mariners tickets and some beer. This dress cost me $1200 that my drunken sot of an ex-father-in-law swore up and down he would pay for but didn't so I got stuck with the bill. Luckily I only got stuck with his daughter for 5 years.

Thank the Lord we didn't have kids. If they would have turned out like her or her family I would have slit my wrists. Anyway, it's a really nice dress as you can see in the pictures.

Personally, I think it looks like a $1200 shower curtain, but what do I know about this. We tried taking pictures of this lovely white garment but it didn't look right on the hanger as you can see, so my sister says, "You need a model." Well, quite frankly my sister isn't exactly small, (like a size 12 is?) so she wouldn't pose for the picture. Seeing as I have sworn off women for the time being and I ain't friends with any, it left me holding the bag.

I took the liberty of blacking out my face - not to protect the ex-wife but to protect me from my bar buddies and co-workers finding out about it. I would never live it down. Actually I didn't think my head would fit in the neck hole, but then I figured she got her Texas cheerleader hair through there I could get my head in it.

Though, after looking at the pictures, I thought it made me look fat. How do you women wear this crap? I only had to walk 3 feet and I tripped twice. Don't worry ladies - I am wearing clothes on underneath it.

I gotta say it did make me feel very pretty. So if it can make me feel pretty, it can make you feel pretty, especially on the most important day of your life, right? Anyway, I was told to say it has a train and a veil and all kinds of shiny beady things. I think it's funny that one picture makes it look like the chest plate off an Imperial Storm Trooper. Did I mention that all I want is a ball game and beer? Cheap at twice the price. Ladies, you won't regret this. You may regret the dude you marry but not the dress.

Just a little side note - As I was putting this ad in EBay, it asked me for a color. Is a wedding dress any other freaking color than white or ivory??!! If it is it wouldn't be a wedding dress, now would it?? I suppose black would work...

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On Apr-26-04 at 10:38:31 PDT, seller added the following information:

Well, the auction is a little over half over and I am just amazed. This thing has taken more hits than that pothead that lives in the next building. Man, oh man, if hits were bucks I'd be getting a suite at Safeco.

I also have received TONS of email. I don't have the time to reply to all of them but I just want to let everyone know that I appreciate the well wishes.

Of the email I received:

Five or so were invitations to ball games in other states. Two of those were for little league games. Do they have those cushy executive boxes with the free chicken wings at those?

One email was from Scotland. It's a good thing he wrote it because I wouldn't be able to understand a word he said. Never did get through Braveheart.

Most were thanking me for the laugh. You're entirely welcome. Five years of misery was well worth the hearty guffaw that was my pleasure to give you.

Oh, yeah. I also got three marriage proposals. Yes, you read it right - three marriage proposals. I feel like one of those mass murderers on death row. I never understood how the hell they got more chicks than I did. Now I know. They sold crap on eBay.

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On Apr-26-04 at 23:45:56 PDT, seller added the following information:

Holy Moly!

The hit counter is starting to look like the odometer in my truck! Not the new shiny black full-size 4-wheel-drive American pick-up that I had to part with, but the somewhat older, multicolored, lumpy, tiny, 2-wheel-drive foreign pick-up that belches smoke. A little something about that vehicle, though: it's absolutely amazing! When I get inside it to go to the store, I am all depressed. But when I arrive at the store, I'm so freaking loopy from inhaling the fumes, I forget why I went there in the first place. I'm saving buckets of money. Of course, I will probably have to spend it all on the tuberculosis I will acquire, but hey, you can't have everything.

I felt compelled to update this ad once more due to all of your emails. The first thing I have to say is thank you all for your support in my time of need. It was a truly harrowing experience. Some of you men know exactly what I mean.

Seeing as this has turned into my little public forum, I just want to address a few of the emails that kind of left me scratching my head.

I now have five marriage proposals. You would think my speaking of the ones I already got yesterday would have put a damper on it, but you women sure are persistent. One woman actually said she doesn't want to marry me, but wouldn't mind being my ex-wife. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Nope. No thanks, already got one. ( Pssst. Didn't I mention I had one? Who wants an ex-wife that can't read? Now, I know what you guys are thinking - "If she can't read, then the divorce would be smooth sailing." Well, that would be all well and good but I didn't say her ATTORNEY couldn't read. You following me on this?)

Other emails are serious buyers asking about the dress. "How long is the train?" and "Does the gown come with the headdress and veil?" Yes, headdress and veil are included, but the do-rag stays with me. And if the train was long enough for my ex's caboose, it's long enough for yours. You will have to supply your own baggage, though. I gave mine to Goodwill.

There was this one woman who wrote, "You should have covered your tattoos. People will be able to recognize you, like on America's Most Wanted." HELLO!!! I'm a guy selling a dress. I'm not wanted for war crimes.

Some of your emails made me laugh. Like the bitter woman that wished she had her ex's testicles to sell on eBay. I'm not too sure there's a market for that, though. Then there was the guy that gave his wife's wedding dress to the Salvation Army by mistake, thinking it was a Christmas tree. Guess he didn't have any Christmas balls that year.

This has also been a learning experience for me. I got a lot of messages correcting me about the color of wedding dresses. For Russian Orthodox, they are blue. For Chinese they are red. Mexico has multi-colored ones. All I know is, for my next wedding I will be wearing a hairy, flesh-toned ensemble because I will be buck naked with a toe tag lying on a slab in the morgue because I would have killed myself.

A lot of folks were asking me if I wear women's dresses a lot. I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever donned female attire. It's also the first time I've been inside something feminine that didn't nag me to take out the garbage.

It seems a few people have taken offense to my inferring a size 12 is big. One male even pointed out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Now, I would agree with you that size 12/14 is small if I lived on Samoa. But I live right here in the good old 48 Contiguous, where binging and purging is a way of life. American women do not want to be double digits in size. Just ask any woman what size they want to be. Invariably they will say five or seven. Wealthy will be the person that opens a store for Lane Bryant-sized women but sews size 7 tags on all the clothes.

On the flip side of that, I have taken offense to some of the people that told me I'm ugly and a loser. All I have to say is you'd be ugly too if you had a huge white blotch on your face. And as far as being a loser, I think you have it all wrong. I am such the winner. It isn't every day an average guy can make 50,000 people laugh. Thanks to each and every one of you from the heart of my bottom.

Because of the high profile of this item, I am changing the listing to Pre-Approved Bidders Only. To be pre-approved, please contact me at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com and include "Serious Bidder" in the subject line of the email and I will return your email to pre-approve your bidding on the auction. Thank you for your interest.

Woooooooohoooooo! What a wild ride! The emails are coming faster than the hits. And now personal appearances. First Star94 radio in Atlanta, then King5 in Seattle,now the Today Show with that I-used-to-be-a-fat-weatherman-but-now-I-am-as-skinny-as-Regis-but-twice-as-funny Al "I will turn this car around" Roker. It is amazing; all this media hype. Hey, Al! Any relation to Roxy? EBay has graciously allowed me to update this page once more. So I will keep it brief.

This one guy emailed me and said, "Hey, bud. What part of Texas do you live?" Uh... Well, sir, I am from Seattle. Uh, Seattle, Texas. Right next to AreYouAFreakingMoron, Texas, which is a hop, skip and jump from IWasEducatedByGeorgeBush, Texas. Thanks for asking, neighbor.

We have a website coming that everyone can check out. It will be up soon.

Please only bid if you are serious. Or really, really hot.





RYOBI ROUTER TABLE - WORTHLESS JUNK NR!

For any prospective bidders - I have 100% positive feedback so you know my descriptions are good. I'm trying to describe this item the best I can.

This Ryobi router table is the worst thing I've ever spent money on. Period. I've wasted money on a lot of things in my life: women, cars, other things I didn't need, you name it, but I've never felt like I totally 100% wasted my money on something until I bought this router table. I've wasted money, but I normally got some sort of satisfaction out of it, no matter how small, I got something out of it This is the most worthless piece of crap item I have ever had the displeasure of working with in my life. I have much more colorful ways of describing this but I realize that there may be some kids that will read this so I will try to keep it PG.

It comes complete with most of the crappy accessories it came with. An example is the plastic pusher miter thingie that's so sloppy that I don't understand why they even bothered making it adjustable. It's really nice when you're trying to rout something at an angle and it slips in the middle of the cut and jerks the workpiece right out of your hands and flings it across the room. Or the super anti-precision fence that's almost impossible to adjust and keep in place. Or the slippery painted surface that wears off, exposing the rough surface that mars the workpiece as you slide it over. It does come with a power switch that always worked. I'll give it that. It has a really nice power switch. Some of the other small items got destroyed in a fit of rage one day after fighting it for a couple of hours.

The best part about this table is that it's a one of a kind. yep that's right it's a three legged router table. It became three legged after I was trying to rout something one day and I noticed that the table was moving. That was from the plastic inserts working loose on the leg mounts. It was like routing wood on a waterbed. It was moving back and forth oh I'd say an inch and a half or so. Well after a few more pieces I'm in the middle of a cut and the leg just fell off. So I had to stop to keep from losing any fingers, and I tried to beat the inserts back in. Looked ok so I start making my cut again and would you believe it fell out again?!?! It's supported by a beer bottle to keep it from falling over while taking the picture.

I am an engineer by trade and I feel sorry for the engineer that was responsible for this marvel of science. Someone told him to design this thing and not spend any more than $0.65 on it. So he did it, but I bet he probably lost all self respect for himself after he realized that he just released this miserable failure onto society. Or maybe he got a big kick out of it and is still laughing I don't know. I know they suckered me out of my money that's for sure.

There is a router shown in the picture, the router is not included since it will kind of work most of the time. This auction is for the table only. Hell I'll even throw in the beer bottle (not full per eBay standards) if the buyer wants it. I wouldn't use it as a leg though.

This table comes with no warranty from me. I never bothered to try to take it back, even though it was under warranty because I was so ticked off that I knew I would create a scene when I threw it through the front window of Home Depot. So it sat in my basement for a few months, and now you have the opportunity to own this piece of scrap. If someone had some time they could probably work on it a bit and make it into something that's functional. Like a doorstop or maybe a paperweight. But it will need some more work before it's that good.

I accept paypal, cashiers check or money order. Shipping quoted is parcel post. If for some reason you would want to receive your misery faster I can do that ask me for a quote.

Seriously though I have a couple other nice things that I'm selling. Check em out if you need a saw blade or 1972 Z28 parts.

ADDED 3/22/04 - I've received some emails, and yes I am willing to set it on fire, shoot it full of holes, etc. and mail pics/video to you. If the bid gets high enough to cover my ammo costs, I'd be willing to shoot it full of holes with your choice of the following: 12 gage slugs, 00 buck, or a 40 round mag from an AK. Then I can make a pile of the remains, douse it in gasoline, make the Wile-E-Coyote trail of gas dribbles for my safety, and light it on fire. The winning bidder would get pics if they so choose. Or I can ship it to you. I could even ship you the charred remains if you like. Hey man I just hate it. Let me know. Whatever trips your trigger.

ADDED 3/23/04 - Yes I can drive over it with something. I can drive over it with a Massey Ferguson 620 CI diesel powered tractor.

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On Mar-24-04 at 09:06:41 PST, seller added the following information:

For those who are interested, the bottle does carry a $0.10 Michigan deposit, and it's pre printed for the other standard deposits for other states ($0.05). So yeah it's like a huge bonus, worth hundreds of times what the table is worth. Remember - I'm throwing that in for free!

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On Mar-24-04 at 20:59:57 PST, seller added the following information:

Yes the beer bottle is a "double deuce" or a 22 oz ish beer bottle. Actually it's a Miller Lite 24 oz beer bottle, so that makes it extra rare. From what I hear there was only somewhere around 42 million of them made this year, so get yours fast! I suppose it has some additional extra value from a scrap weight aspect, but I think the deposit is the same. Collector's value had got to be in the hundreds if not thousands of Turkish Liras.

No unfortunately I don't know of any women that are willing to fire the guns naked and send you the pics. If I did I wouldn't be wasting my time writing this auction, that's for sure.

The tractor is basically a huge articulating tractor with dual wheels on each corner. It weighs somewhere around a gajillion pounds. It's about six times the size of the largest general motors product you can think of. It's big. It might take me a couple of weeks to get video etc but yeah I'll send it to you. Pics/video will be complete with firearms, Ryobi arson and all the profanity you desire, whatever you want. Again - for christ's sake the next bid is $0.02, and I'm willing to do all this crap for a penny - the video's got to be worth $5!!!!!! Bid and tell me what you want!!!!

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On Mar-25-04 at 18:31:48 PST, seller added the following information:



Dear davesan455,

I will bid if you place it in a barrel and fill barrel with concrete. I will pay the insurance if you pay the shipping.

um....ok. I can do that as long as the bid is $1400.

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On Mar-25-04 at 19:08:08 PST, seller added the following information:

Why are you restricting shipping to USA only? I would think you should be excited about the possibility of sending it to Iran, or hell or france or something. Just wondering.

Yet another good idea. I will ship free to France as long as they surrender. It doesn't matter who they surrender to, it could be Australia, Bruce Willis, or even McDonalds. But if they surrender before this auction ends free shipping to France!

Also- Free shipping to any US military base (Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Venezuela, Selfridge Air force Base, etc) upon the following conditions: The person receiving the router table send clear pictures/video back of the table being destroyed by superior force, i.e. tank shelling, hellfire missile attack, shooting sheet with an anti-aircraft gun, or some sort of awesome display of military power, or even a pic of their whole company dancing around a bonfire which contains the router table. Three Cheers to the US Military / Coast / National Guard! I'll drink to that.

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On Mar-26-04 at 05:18:33 PST, seller added the following information:

Could I see a picture of it actually ripping something out of someones hand and tossing it to the other side of the room? Or better yet an arm off or something?

Sure. Buy it, and have someone videotape you using it. Eventually someone's going to lose an appendage.

You are bidding on a vintage Zenith floor model radio! It is from the 1930's-1940's. Actually WORKS! It won't pick up local stations, but the tubes light up. The tuner doesn't turn up all the way and the top panel comes off.






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