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This is my collection of funny little statements found in ebay ads. The spelling and grammar has not been changed. -- Enjoy!

I received this stupid pen on my birthday years ago from my ex-wife, and even before I divorced her flabby body, I hated the pen. I have no idea why she bought me this piece of crap. Sure, it writes fine and could "seem" kind of cool, but I hate it. The color is ugly, it barely fits in my banana sized hands, and it comes with some weird carrying case.

King Kong could barely write with it. Every time I open up my drawer and see this waste of space, I am reminded that I used to be married to that skank who gave me a stupid pen for my birthday. It's not like I collect pens or anything, or even take time to write stuff down.

I use a computer to write. OK, call me different, but even if I did like or use pens, this is not the one I would have spent money on. I have no idea how much she paid for it, but I can guarantee you it was my money she used to buy it. She could barely hold down a job, let alone cook for herself. This dismal lazy slug sat on the couch for entertainment and watched old movies all day. I think she held a job for like 38 minutes once. That was because they had lots of paperwork to fill out, and it took her that long before she got bored and left. We were married for about 3 years, before she decided to take more of my money to go buy beer for herself and her new "friend".

She made up some lie telling me she was working downtown at this Starbucks store, which I knew was a lie since the customers would have to make the coffee themselves on her shift. So I drove by a bar where I knew she frequented, and saw her dumb face sitting on a stool with her "friend" Brad, some doofus she had introduced me to once a while before. They were sitting at the bar kissing, if you can call it that, and soon afterwards I was kissing off the marriage.

She came home later that day and denied the entire thing, and when I told her I had driven by and seen her slobbering all over that hairless chihuahua at the bar, she still tried to deny it.

I told her to pack her dog food and get out of my house. If I was in a right state of mind and not thinking about cancelling all our credit cards and getting her off my bank statement, I would have packed this stupid pen with all of her worthless crap when I did the final toss. How to lose 160 pounds of ugly weight quickly? Pack her crap in plastic trash bags and leave them on the curb.

My current wife, who is way more beautiful and way more cool that this pig could ever choose to be, hates the pen too. One of the coolest things about the whole divorce was I knew my attorney, because he was my neighbor's brother. He was also a big cigar smoker. When it came time to belly-up, I paid him with a cheap cigar humedor that I bought at a trade show for almost nothing. Forget those Divorce-in-a-Box deals, this was way cheaper.

So, please buy this pen. I just want rid of it, and any memories of red-headed elephants lying in my bed to just go away. I will even ship it for free, just to make sure it leaves my house and the state I live in forever. I have started the price out as low as eBay will allow me, so if it sells for that, I will be happy. Just don't use it as a weapon. Hey, why didn't I.....never mind. Jail time would not have been good for my frail body. I don't date males. Especially those I meet in the shower. Happy bidding!

I apologize for listing this in "fine writing instruments". If they had a category for "stuff given to you by ex-spouse that you could never ever possibly want in your house ever", I would have put it there. My apologies.

On Sep-08-04 at 12:51:28 PDT, seller added the following information:

Did I mention the time she burned down my microwave? She talked about going to Cooking School a few times, so being the nice hisband, I encouraged her to start cooking in the house. Her "flare" was mediocre at best, and choking down some of the meals was intolerable. One day I came home after an exhausting afternoon of travel and heavy traffic, to find a black cloud of smoke emitting from the kitchen. She, of course, was sitting in the living room watching the Eating Channel, not realizing the smoke filling the apartment. I went into the kitchen to find flames shooting inside the microwave. She was cooking a potato, and it was burning inside. I opened the door, and the plastic on the roof of the oven was on fire. I threw the potato out the window and put out the inferno.

When I got the fork lift to bring her in and see what was happening, she told me she had tried to bake this potato and wanted it fully cooked, so she put it in for 16 minutes. Idiot. The charred remains of my microwave were put to rest in the alley, and another 200 bucks was shot. Needless to say, cooking school was history. I hate this pen.

On Sep-09-04 at 18:53:11 PDT, seller added the following information:

I have to tell you one more thing about the Ex. She was a tad younger than me, so she was still hanging out with her high school friends when we met. No, she wasn't still in High School, she just acted that way. So she had this friend, who I will call "Laura", because that was her name, who was very odd. This was her best friend in the whole world. Brainless as well, I might add. She wore dark makeup and black clothes always, and could have been Marilyn Manson for all I know.

She had a boyfriend that was a complete psycho, who loved to have bonfires in his back yard, about 3 1/2 inches from his house, and got drunk and threw explosive spray cans into the fire to hear them blow up. Another Yale graduate. He was great with cars and engines though, so he was destined to go somewhere in life, like Jiffy Lube. He had fixed up an old truck for Laura and thought it would be cool to decorate it, shall I say, differently. So what does the braniac do? He stuffs her deceased cat's head, inserts some glass eyeballs in it, puts a bolt in the neck part, and mounts it to the gear shift in the truck. I kid you not. This was my ex's best friend. I

should have stabbed that dead cat's head with this pen. What was I thinking? Walk away, slowly............ This pen brings up so many great memories. Bid bid bid, please.

On Sep-10-04 at 06:58:33 PDT, seller added the following information:

Other items of note:
1. She sold her Volvo to her boss, and regardless of my warnings, she left the license plates on. $700+ later, I was in court trying to keep MY license from being suspended.
2. After the split, she declared bankruptcy, but failed to remove my name from credit cards she had opened. I love dealing with credit agencies.
3. Bought me this fabulous pen.
4. Lost contact with 2 of her best friends, who now are very close friends of mine.
5. Bought herself "implants" of the chest variety AFTER we split. Could not have done this while we were together. One bonus item denied.
6. Gave me the carrying case for this gorgeous pen.
7. Gained immesurable weight and was spotted by a reporter at an Old Country Buffet "after hours". Front window had been eaten away.





I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven't lived until you've gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they're having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you're peering into your fridge and thinking, 'Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,' that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them "The Lecture".

"The Lecture" goes like this...

MOM: "We have to go to the grocery store."

KIDS: "Whine whine whine whine whine."

MOM: "Hey, I don't want to go either, but it's either that or we're eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight."

KIDS: "Whine whine whine whine whine."

MOM: "Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again."

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two littlechildren sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughteris not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed intomy ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a goodthing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, "Are they all yours?" I answer good naturedly, "Yep!"

"Oh my, you have your hands full."

"Yes, I do, but it's fun!" I say smiling. I've heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, "Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!"

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, "Didn't I tell you, before we left, that I didn't want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???"

"No. You said that you didn't want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn't say anything about apples."

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, "Are all of those your kids?"

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, "Nope. They just started following me. I've never seen them before in my life."

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I'm tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of "Can we gets" begins.

"Can we get donuts?"

"No."

"Can we get cupcakes?"

"No."

"Can we get muffins?"

"No."

"Can we get pie?"

"No."

You'd think they'd catch on by this point, but no, they're just getting started.

In the bakery, they're giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn't like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That's what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children's mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We'd rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I'm not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she'll tell you the same.) Of course, there's no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, "Wow! Are all six yours?"

I answer her, "Yes, but I'm thinking of selling a couple of them."

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids' attention spans are spent. They're done shopping at this point, but we aren't even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh "child", also known as my husband. While I'm picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I'm amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say "influenza"?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, "Can we have candy?" What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child's eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don't even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, "Are they all yours?"

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, "No. They're not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it's so much more fun that way."

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that's my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it's out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I've received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)


On Aug-21-07 at 13:37:48 PDT, seller added the following information:

14,000 hits!!! Who would've thought? I just wanted to take a minute and say "thank you" to all the people who have taken the time to write me a comment! I certainly appreciate it! It sure is a nice treat waking up to a full box of compliments! I'm trying to answer each comment, but they're honestly coming in faster than I can type!

Many of you have asked if I have a blog. I do. It's mom2my6pack.blogspot.com.

Many of you have suggested I write a book. I think I may just have to give that a try. If it ever comes to fruition, I'll post about it on my blog.

And $40.00??? What are you guys nuts? There's nothing special about these cards. Are you bidding on them thinking I'll be a famous author someday? :::laughing like a crazy lady over that one::: I'll give writing a shot, but from what I hear it isn't easy to get a book published. I probably have a better chance of losing ten pounds (and that ain't likely to happen!)

Anyway, again I want to say thank you for reading and passing this on. You've all just made my week! :)


On Aug-21-07 at 14:07:29 PDT, seller added the following information:

Oh yes - I forgot (big surprise there!) to say that apparently I can only post 101 comments. There are a lot of witty, interesting comments I'd like to put out there for everyone to read, but Ebay won't let me. :(

On Aug-21-07 at 23:03:41 PDT, seller added the following information: I've had several people ask me how many watchers this auction has. As of 1:00am, it has 865.






SO HERE'S THE STORY SO FAR.........

Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found evidence that the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed this very afternoon. This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatently denied that this event took place even though the evidence is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.

The first tiny warning bells started ringing around about the same time a text message was received by the wife stating 'Where are you darling, I'm waiting'. As the wife had left the soon to be ex-husband at home only a couple of hours earlier to go to work, she thought it somewhat strange getting a message of that ilk from him. After a while curiosity got the better of her and with some trepidation, she decided to go home after telling her boss she had an upset stomach, which was no lie. When she arrived home an hour or so later, everything seemed normal but she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. His car was parked in the drive-way where she had seen it earlier on and when she got inside, there he was infront of the T.V. watching a DVD as usual. She explained she wasn't feeling too well and said she was going to lie down for a while. His re-action to this was a bit odd to say the least. 'Why don't you lie down here on the couch for a while and I'll get you a cup of tea', he said. That was her first clue that something really was amiss here. Call him chauvinistic if you want and you would be right because this low-life had never made her a cup of tea in over 22 years of marriage.... so why offer now. Yep, you guessed it, he didn't want her going into the bedroom.... now why was that you may ask. She concluded later that 'The 'Tart' must have been in the process of getting her ass dressed and out of there pronto when she had unexpectedly arrived home. Of course she made a bee line for the bedroom then, with soon to be ex-hubby on her heels and apart from an unmistakable aroma of some cheap perfume resembling nail polish remover hanging in the air, nothing seemed to be different - except for one thing. Oh, you men, you will never understand why we have those, annoying to you though they may be, throw pillows and cushions on a bed and what they mean to us women. They are aesthetically important to our decor and when you see them piled up on a chair in a corner of the room, instead of on the bed where you arranged them a few hours ago, those tiny warning bells you heard earlier were now starting to sound like 'Big Ben'. Walking over to the bed, she started slowly taking it apart whilst the soon to be ex-husband stood in the doorway watching. Initially, when she first took the doona cover off, she was sure he just thought she was going to have a lie down but he was oh so very wrong. After the doona was deposited on the floor, she picked up her pillow, turned it over, checked under where it had been and then threw it on the floor. Then came his pillow, she picked it up and here was where she found the first of the two items up for auction - an empty condom packet. With forefinger and thumb, it was gently lifted from the bed and dangled in front of the soon to be ex-husband's nose. He had, by then, turned a lovely shade of red and you could see his mind was racing,... 'how the hell am I going to get out of this'. He then said the only inane thing he could come up with at the time which was, 'What's that?'. As a couple, they had not used condoms for many years, or at least she hadn't, but surely that didn't mean he could have forgotten what one looked like! For some reason, she continued to strip the bed and when the top sheet was removed the location of the 2nd item up for auction, 'The Tart's' knickers, were discovered at the foot of the bed.

Explanations were needed pronto and would you beleive it, he actually came up with some. They were all a pack of lies and instead of admitting it, apologizing and starting to grovel, this is what he came up with. 'I dropped my phone down the toilet, I didn't want to put my hands down there and I could't get it out with the toilet brush so I used a condom because I couldn't find any rubber gloves'. Well, well, well, that was thinking on your feet eh! She thought she had heard it all now but figured she would see how big a hole he really was keen to dig for himself so she then asked. ' When was that then and where did you get the condom from?'. He replied, 'It happened just after you left for work and I rummaged around and found one in the pocket of an old jacket in the wardrobe'. 'So how is your phone then, is it working?' she asked... 'No, it's stuffed', he replied. 'So how do you explain sending me a text message a couple of hours after I was at work then'. 'What message? It wasn't from me, my phone's not working', he replied but noticed he had gone a funny shade of green as it began to sink in that he had actually sent the text to her by mistake. 'What about these knickers then, what are they doing in our bed and whose are they', she asked thinking to herself, this will be good. She wasn't disappointed, as blatant as lies go, it was a classic. 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.

10 out of 10 for trying buddy but your out of here........ systematically his clothes were gathered up and thrown out the front door along with 'The 'Tart's' knickers which, after second thoughts, were scooped up and retrieved. YES, there really is a God for it started to rain then. Not just that fine rain which gets on your damn nerves but bucket loads of torrential rain which the soon to be ex-husband found himself standing in whilst calling the soon to be ex-missus all the names under the sun. He was gathering up his wet soggy clothes and the photo she had thrown at him of them outside the church on their wedding day (she thought that maybe a nice touch) when he screamed out for his car keys and wallet. Off she went to get them and with no hesitation, handed them over and told him to get lost in no uncertain terms then watched as he drove away. Dangling in her hand was the key she had slipped off his keyring, to the soon to be ex-husband's 'Harley Hog', his pride and joy - which brings me nicely to the next item that will probably be sold on Ebay at a start price of.99c and of course, with no reserve!

AND THATS THE STORY SO FAR...... HAPPY BIDDING


Item Specifics
Product Type : WOMEN
Material: SILKY SKIN
Condition : GOOD CONDITION
Brand, Artist: CAUCASION/GOD
Theme : EUROPEAN,SPAIN/RUSSIAN
Item Condition: SLIGHTLY USED,STRONG,SENSITIVE
SENSUAL,PASSIONATE : HONEST,FAITHFUL,INTELLIGENT

Wife for sale, attractive 1953 model, 55 years old, slightly used but in good condition. Strong, yet sensitive, intelligent with a good sense of humor. Compassionate, caring, affectionate. Optimistic yet realistic. Good cook, not gourmet. Very feminine and 100% woman.

Will make a great gift for the man that has had everything, but the real thing. Great for a professional man in his golden years, this wife has years of experience as a Secretary/Admin.Assistant, and 8 yrs. Nursing experience. Good housekeeper, but not obsessive. Great company, spontaneous,fun, very social and loves to entertain guests. Good decorator, artistic and has style and elegance, with out arrogance.

This Wife is very sensual and passionate, great for a man who still has lots of passion in his soul.

Price negotiable, make me an offer, I can't refuse.


uP For A uction, ONE Tube radio

My Mother purchased this piece of junk in 1953.As a little boy,I was afraid of it.This unit buzzed,histed,hummed louder than the music.If mother turned it on,I would run from the kitchen.This unit gave me nightmares.On a good note,perhaps it is the reason I persude a business in high end audio.Anyone who likes tubes has to hear this

I was afraid to plug this in.Thankfully it does not work.Selling as is,an ugly tan and brown bakite 50's radio.

If you decide to repair the unit,I am sure it will only play 50's tunes.

If you decide to buy,I will pay the shipping to USA or Canada.

Additional Info Update.My mother who is 88 years says it sounded so bad as the A/C frequency was changed in our area from 40 or 50 Hz to 60Hz Perhaps it will never play again as there is no 40or50hz in modern times.I added a rear picture as per request.It is quite surprising the # of watchers.

More requests!I added a picture of it's heyday and a schematic.It is a Northern Electric 5700.

I must add that after 56 years this beast still frightens me.As a little boy,I would cover my ears in bed,afraid the RADIO would climb the stairs and blast a few tunes.Being 56 years old,shirley I am not scared any more????

I attemped to List this last week and probably due to E-bay being slow it took over an hour to list.Upon checking my listings the next day.it was not there!Aweek later while surfing it suddenly appeared so I re-listed.Strange but true the pictures were taken with a Nikon Coolpics 5700!CowInCEDence?I Donut Know.

E-bay should have a negatory bidding where I will pay the highest bidder to take It off my hands.

Seriousley I hope this has been entertaing.Since there is many watchers and no bidders I Will Lower the opening bid if permitted






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